Uninstalled everything, deleted whole Dash folder, and reinstalled. Looks like it's actually trying to sync now - started at 2 years 27 weeks behind and is now at 2 years 24 weeks behind. I'll keep you posted. Thanks!
Halps!
I've done a bunch of reading here and tried to figure things out but alas have had to bother you all and ask another potentially stupid question. My wallet isn't syncing. I've updated to latest version, done the delete peers.dat thing, tried the Wallet Repair - Rebuild Index thing, but...